I don’t know what’s wrong with me!

Ok… so… seems like I’ve hit a new wall and it’s really, really weird. I mean – SOOOO FRICKING WEIRD!

For the past few days, I’ve been stuck, frozen, paralysed… something like that. I find it hard to describe and find the right words to explain it with.

At first I thought I was just tired, so I stopped setting the alarm for 4am.

That was about a week ago.

But it hasn’t made much difference at all.

I’m not tired really, I’m just not functioning properly in my business.

It’s not that I don’t want to do the work, or that I don’t know what I need to do… neither am I overwhelmed, discouraged, or lacking motivation…

I just seem unable to do what I usually do.

I sit in front of the computer trying to write an email, and I just go blank. It’s like my mind isn’t functioning properly.

I grab my phone to record a video and I go blank again.

Same when planning a longer video.

It’s the oddest thing I’ve ever been through.

And it stresses me out! I had all kinds of plans:

• sending special Black Friday offers to my list
• shooting videos to teach how to build a blog
• creating a mini-course on how to start affiliate marketing
• organising a live challenge in my group
• adding an extra bit to my welcome email sequence

I’m not short of ideas! But it’s almost like I CAN’T take action anymore.

Yesterday I messaged Dean about it and he was so helpful as usual. He reckons I may have a touch of burnout… and the remedy for that? Stop working for a while… take a break and time for myself…

Everything in me is screaming “NO!!!”

I absolutely DO NOT want to take a break! I LOVE what I do and now is absolutely not the moment I want to slow down!

I keep thinking: it’s the end of the year… I want to help people prepare for 2024… now is not the time to be quiet… I feel this intense desire to keep going, to keep doing, to keep growing, to keep working…

But it’s like my brain has decided otherwise.

Yesterday, talking with Dean, it did strike me that he’s probably right. Not that I know what burnout looks like as I’ve never had it before; but he knows what the symptoms are and it seems I have them.

Also, looking back on this year, I catch myself on the verge of tears. It’s been such a hard year, so full of emotions…

This time last year, my Dad was still alive and living across the road. I was looking after him every day. Apart from one wonderful nurse, Patricia, the health care team who was helping me had all got out of the situation. So I was left alone with the nurse and my husband… to take care of my Dad and find a nursing home for him.

Then he went into the home and the nightmare began. What went on there was so awful it tears my heart to think of it. By the time I’d understood what was really going on, it was too late: gangrene had started to destroy his foot and he was dying…

My sister and I moved heaven and earth to get him comfortable… he had an emergency amputation that freed him from the horrendous pain, and finally ended his life in a wonderful palliative care unit.

Even though it was peaceful in the end, I still can’t really believe this happened. I find myself dreaming of him coming back, hearing his last breaths, and so so so wanting to rewind the clock, go back to a year ago, and do everything differently.

Anyway, I’m writing all this, because I think it has to do with my present “mind freeze”. Our little dog died too, a month ago, and it’s almost like this was the last straw… Too many emotions, too much pain, I can’t quite process it.

Yet the strange thing is: I don’t feel depressed at all! Does this make me sound mad? I’m traumatised, and sad, and grieving, yes… but I’m not desperate and depressed. In fact, I feel a lot of joy every day! I’m so grateful for my life, for my family, for my children, for my friends, for the love I receive, for the vibrant energy I have, for my health and so many other things!

So… what do I do now???

At least I’ve been able to write this down here – that’s a start, right?

I’ll probably share this post in my group and in my emails. It’s a scary thought, but I need to share what’s going on, right? I mean, I can’t say I’ll share ALL of the journey, and then back off when I go through something complicated.

And next I guess I need to take a break… but I’m not quite sure how!

Dean suggested I do things I love, things that do me good…

The problem is, I love the business and it does me good lol! But ok, I’ll admit I love many things, so I need to pick one of these and do that.

Cooking is one of my favourites, and it is the season where I should be baking Christmas puddings and biscuits… and making fudge and mince pies… I’ll try that, and see how it helps 🙂

Have you ever experienced burnout? Or anything similar to what I’m going through? How did you deal with it? Let me know in the comments if you can!

Thank you so much,

Sophie